Permission To Say “No”

This blog post is intended especially for all in the myeloma community, but I suppose, in the end, and in more general terms, it will apply to all.

For 37 years, up until the time I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, I served as a Lutheran pastor in 4 different Lutheran parishes in Michigan and Ohio. When it comes to pastoring, I am a suck it up, grit it out, git r done kind of guy. I can count on one hand the number of Sundays in those 37 years that an unexpected illness kept me from showing up on Sunday and conducting worship.

There were a number of Sundays when I thought myself contagious enough that I refrained from touching the communion elements and asked members of the church to distribute them. I also skipped shaking hands with folks after the service several times. I probably would have done better to stay away altogether.

Now I have Multiple Myeloma. And I am retired. Now I am learning to say “No.”  Here are some things I have been telling myself, as a way of giving myself permission to say “No.”  Maybe there is a helpful morsel for you here, too. Or maybe you have wisdom to add.

Reasons for saying “NO”

1. Remission doesn't mean my strength and stamina are normal. I’ve been in remission since just before my stem cell transplant in April of this year. I know that puts me in a far better place than some of you who have not been able to achieve that. Still, it can be very deceiving. Now that my hair has grown back in and I’ve added a few pounds, I look pretty normal, and feel pretty good most of the time. I have to remind myself and others that my strength and stamina are still compromised. I can’t do what I used to do. And it is not just because I’m a little older, as people - meaning well - often suggest. No, I have cancer, and it takes a toll. I need some “passes” from the normal routine.

2. My immune system is compromised. I may look healthy enough, but I may have to say “No” to your invitation to go out and mix with the masses. Both the disease and the medications affect my ability to fight off bugs.  I might not want to take the chance of getting sick by attending this event. On the other hand, some things are worth the risk, and if I get sick, I’ll at least know I did something that was important to me.

3. If I say “Yes” to this opportunity, what I am going to say “No” to?  I have learned that every “Yes” means there is a corresponding “No.” The days of gritting it out are passed. Picking and choosing is required. I can do something pretty taxing physically or mentally if I build in rest all around and in between it. I need to rest when I need to rest, not when it fits into some else’s schedule.  So, if I say “Yes” to being on a committee, or leading a worship service, who will I be saying “No” to? My family? My body’s rest?  My overall health?  Better know the “No’s, when you’re saying “Yes.”

4. Most people have never heard of Multiple Myeloma. They have no idea what it is or how it affects those who have it. They may not even know you have it. They may think it is no more compromising than a bad hangnail. Or, they may think you are too sick to do anything. Realize that they are in a tough spot. They may ask you to do something that is totally unrealistic. They just don’t know of what you are capable. They may also skip asking you to do something you would like to do because of your disease. You may have to volunteer.

5. Prioritize! Only you know what you really want to do and accomplish in your life, and who you want to be with and work and play with. Time to start saying “No” to those things that are at the bottom of your priority list. You can’t do them all, so quit feeling guilty about saying “No.”

6. One of the rare “pluses” of cancer? You’ve got cancer! Who’s going to argue with you? Who’s going to tell you to suck it up and get busy doing what you don’t want to do? For the most part, if ever you wanted to say “No,” this is the time when, guilt free, you can say “No.”

That’s my quick list. I’m getting a little better at saying “No.” My family is very good at running interference for me. A few well placed “No’s” makes for a much happier life.

What about you? Have you mastered this “No” thing? What works for you?